At the beginning of these twenty-four posts, I said that I wanted to focus on things for which I am grateful. Paging back, I see that I haven’t followed through as well as I would have liked, which is a shame, because I have plenty to be thankful for. And so for today I’d like to focus on what I am most grateful for in my life and in the past year.
A little more than twenty-seven years ago, a wonderful girl came into my life, and she has been amazing me ever since. My darling daughter Taylor wrenched me from everything life had been and let me know (in no uncertain terms) that she would be a focus of the rest of my days.
I was far from a great father during her growing years. My drive to define my life by making a living and advancing in my career took far too much attention too much of the time. Broader than that was my basic uncertainty with how I should be with a little girl. I never knew what to talk about or what to say, a lack that was made more clear by the complete ease with which she and her mother bonded. Too often I let the closeness of that relationship be an excuse for my own distance.
But distant or not, I watched and admired her navigating through two schools where her parents worked (enough to put any child into therapy) while taking dance classes six days a week. I watched as she grew through performances, and even today I find it a little disorienting that I can’t go to the Nutcracker to see how she has grown as a dancer since the previous ballet. I was amazed that she went away to college and completed her degree, and I was overwhelmed (both positively and negatively) when she chose to move away to live in New York. She has been there for over two years, and while not all of her dreams have come true yet, she is making it every day. I don’t know (or rather I do know) that I could have done this at her age…or any age.
Best of all, ironically as she has moved farther away, we have grown closer together. We talk via text or phone nearly every day, and I have had sone wonderful times visiting her and listening to the challenges and joys of her life. I still can’t say that I am as close with her as her mother is, but she is a real part of my life every day.
So as I face our second Christmas apart (she came home the first year), I am abundantly aware how lucky I am to have her and how much I look forward to watching her growth and success in 2020. I hope she will have her best year yet, and I am grateful, whatever the year brings, that I will be part of it.